Dearest Mary Angel,

I always seem to resort to writing you when everything in my own life surrounds and presses, and closes in... I don't feel well today, and with that I'm feeling unsure, and depressed. I want something to change. I'd welcome almost anything.

I'm engaged to be married. To the same woman I've been dating/living with for the last 20 years, and I have so many doubts about it. I just don't know whether my doubts are based on anything tangible, or based on fear of uncertainty. I've been with her for 22 years, so what's to be uncertain of?

I've waited a long time for this woman to say 'yes,' and now that she has, I feel cheated. I feel as though I've wasted most of the time I've waited (sometimes not so patiently) for her to decide whether she trusted me enough, or whether or not I loved her enough. Seriously. We've been 'exclusive,' and celibate for the greater part of 22 years, and she's been worried that I didn't love her enough? Or whether she could trust me? What man would stay with a woman, live with her for 16 plus years, rarely seeing any of his own physical needs met, for as long as I have... unless he's just the most pathetic man on the face of the planet?

We were supposed to be married on August 20th, but it was pushed to October 16th because of finances, which has been pushed back further into the distance of weeks and months, again because of this craptastic economy. Five years ago we both made less than we do now, but we had money to burn. Now we make more... and have less. We're about to lose the house to foreclosure. We are both under a lot of stress.

I know I love her, but am I marrying her because I love her, or because I think, at 51, she's my only option, even knowing she wants no children... not even one? In a lot of ways I feel as though I've wasted my life waiting on her. I should not say it, but I will... I've been measuring her by your standard. And that's not fair to her, let alone you. Much of what I remember of you is not accurate. I've romanticized much of what I remember of you; created an impossible ideal. I want the heavens...

But who can really live there? Flesh needs firm ground beneath it if it is to thrive.

I'm having trouble accepting her for who she is. I want her to be different... more girly. But that's not who she is. I want her to be more intuitive to my needs, but that's not who she is. I want her to be more adventurous... I want a woman who doesn't make me feel lonely when I'm in the same room with her. She's not like that all the time, just often enough that I recognize the truth of it. I want what she has no desire to be.

I want to be married more than anything in the world... to belong to someone who loves me back. I know she loves me, but I've been the one pursuing her for the last two decades. And therein lies my doubts....

If I've learned one thing about myself these last 35 years, it's this.... every girl who ever chased me (including you), I ran away from (like a fool), but every girl I ever chased, was emotionally unavailable. I guess what my fear boils down to is this: Has she agreed to marry me because she loves me? or because I merely wore her down?

It's the first really cold morning here this Fall. The sun is shining at least, but I can blame the whether for how I'm feeling today. I keep hoping that if we can get through this next election cycle with a new president that maybe things will begin to turn around financially. Perhaps then something will actually 'Change' for the better. Maybe we'll actually be married. Maybe we'll have separated. Maybe I'll be content either way.

Sorry to have burdened you with all this, I just didn't have anyone else to unload on, and you have been a relatively safe person for me to unload on... that is, until you actually discovered I was writing about you... and to you.

It is my sincerest hope that all is well with you and your family.

That God may richly bless you, is my prayer.

All my love,

E