My grandfather died last night... my father's father. He was 99 years, 3 months, and 9 days old. In addition to this news I've learned my one remaining uncle (also on my father's side) is dying of cancer. When he's gone all of my father's immediate family will be gone (discounting the fruits of marriage). My father, by the way, has been gone since 1993.
I won't be going to the funeral. Me, driving in the snow, in the West Virginia mountains? Not a good mix. My uncle understands. I got to see him and my grandfather this past March. He's content with that, and I appreciate his understanding; even if the weather were balmy I'd still not be in any financial condition to make the trip.
The more time that passes the less family I have left. I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment... other than alone, but then I'm hardly alone in that respect, am I? I just wish my Dad had accepted Christ-- I have little hope of seeing him again (at the bottom I'm attaching a poem I wrote after my father's funeral). I still have my Mom and two sisters, but my mom is getting old, and Anna is a cancer "survivor," which means next to nothing in the long run since she could die of cancer the day after her fifth anniversary of being a survivor, and she'd still be considered a 'survivor.' She had the same cancer as my uncle has now, only his has metastasized in his bones. In short, he's dying.
Both sisters are suffering in this 'jobs crisis.' I'm barely scraping by, and struggling to save money for rings and a simple white dress for Cristal, plus a suit for me. I never had much need of one before now, except for funerals. The one I do own is ridiculously large on me... I weighed a good hundred pounds more when I bought it ten years ago... for a funeral. I reached a new milestone last week: for the first time in twenty years I weigh less than 210 pounds. 60 down, 30 to go.
Yes, I'm getting married. Finally. To the woman I've been dating for 22 years. She's finally agreed to marry me. And, truthfully, I'm not even sure how I feel about that except I'm tired of being alone. I do love her, and I know she loves me, I just hate that it took her 22 years to see something 'good enough' in me.
I've never been this poor in my life.... what I mean is, I've never had to struggle this hard just to get by; and I have a great job. It's just that, everything that could have gone wrong these last couple years, has. I know why the Lord has allowed all this to pan out as it has, I just wish I had done a lot of things differently. I wish I had believed in myself more... I wish I'd had confidence enough in myself to not need the validation of anyone else (especially from that fraternity) other than what I knew to be true in myself. I wish I had never joined that fraternity, but then I might never have met you. So. It seems that no matter how one wishes things might have gone differently, the down-side is there would always be wonderful things we'd lose out on if we'd had our druthers.
It's been hard to find joy in anything lately. And I know it shouldn't be that way. HE is our joy... and yet I realize I'm not that unlike Peter who, having managed to actually walk on water, took his focus off the Lord and began to sink. I'll be working on that focus in the weeks and months ahead.
It is my sincerest prayer that your family's holiday is truly blessed. Thanks for listening, and please keep me in your prayers.
With love,
Eric
Hazels and Salmon
Pink and crimson armored true
Basking in the light of filtered sun, and
Caressed by the cool flowing Boyne
From the sacred pool whence nine hazels drew
All the cares and truth of the world
Sealing them in their crimson nuts
Dropping them in season
To 'plash 'neath cool waters
Where feeds the Salmon of Knowledge
Pink and crimson armored true
Upon the cares and wisdom of the world
What echoes hath thou heard?
What pipes calling 'cross mountains cold
In mourning and loss?
Having eaten thy fill on knowledge rich
What comfort to me canst thou give
And so ease my heart?
What light dapp'ling, what textures known
To thee alone in thy sacred pool
While feasting on the food of gods
Might grant to me one word of hope
Of father and son together once more?
ELAshley
Most recent revisions:
092199.0313.1
120911.0324.6
Hazels and Salmon
Pink and crimson armored true
Basking in the light of filtered sun, and
Caressed by the cool flowing Boyne
From the sacred pool whence nine hazels drew
All the cares and truth of the world
Sealing them in their crimson nuts
Dropping them in season
To 'plash 'neath cool waters
Where feeds the Salmon of Knowledge
Pink and crimson armored true
Upon the cares and wisdom of the world
What echoes hath thou heard?
What pipes calling 'cross mountains cold
In mourning and loss?
Having eaten thy fill on knowledge rich
What comfort to me canst thou give
And so ease my heart?
What light dapp'ling, what textures known
To thee alone in thy sacred pool
While feasting on the food of gods
Might grant to me one word of hope
Of father and son together once more?
ELAshley
Most recent revisions:
092199.0313.1
120911.0324.6
