Dear Mary Angel,

I want to share a poem with you. I wrote it in June; it was blissfully warm and saturating, and tea is the one pleasure I associate with these kind of days. I love tea, not the garden-variety sweet tea you get at the restaurant, but the Darjeelings and Oolongs, and most everything else in between... a good thick and heady Chai. And it's tea I associate most with romance and pleasure. I would give these to Cristal, but she wouldn't understand them.

Apologies if my French is bit off...


Un Peu Poésie Légère
(An Affair Over Tea)

I came for the tea,
Said I. And she
With eyes like kohl
In diamond lit dew
Smiled. Whereas we,
'neath our lush camellia tree,
Sojourn singly, the soul
Of this deep amber brew,
Bids us sit. The bowl,
To its subtle brim,
Where ripples swim
Sings, 'Drink deep of me.'

Our cup is empty
Said I. Then she
Lips blush like figs
Bright softly wet,
On this lets agree...
I'll fill you, if you fill me;
My soft petal to your stout sprig!
And with our engagement then set,
'forget the din,' * quoth she,
Then plunging ladle deep and up
Smoothly filled my empty cup
Singing, 'Drink deep of me.'

I came for thy tea!
Spoke I. And she
Cup shy to tongue
And a lilt to her smile
Answer now, I challenge thee...
Lovest thou my heart more than tea?
For though we are yet young
Wilt thou love me all my days?
Stay thy cup! Thy troth unsung!
'Neath stars, moon, sun, camellia bowers
Pledge thou me thy love's endless hours?
Ne'er tiring to drink deeply of me?

Of thee, thy tea?
Asked I. And she 
'Yes' in her eyes,
Come drink of me
Of mine own heady brew!
You sing to me, and I'll to you
Of our live's desires 
'neath the circling sun!
And I smiled, filled with its fires 
I would that our cups never empty
That your lips soft and chastely
Ever desire to drink deep of me!

I came for the tea!
She said. And she,
A dapple of sun
On her soft silk brow,
Smiled, I would drink thee
Daily, nightly, bold and lightly
Oolong, White, Matcha, Pu'er
Hot, cool or chill,
Wherever you are
And while her lips kissed the brim of her porcelain cup
Brow turned softly down, her eyes looking up
Come, drink only of me!
For an age of me!
Forever of me
Come, my love, let's tea!


ELAshley
062411.044007.6
Revisions:
091211.105641.1
102011.125103.6

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* "Tea is drunk to forget the din of the world."

--T'ien Yiheng

Dearest Mary Angel,

I always seem to resort to writing you when everything in my own life surrounds and presses, and closes in... I don't feel well today, and with that I'm feeling unsure, and depressed. I want something to change. I'd welcome almost anything.

I'm engaged to be married. To the same woman I've been dating/living with for the last 20 years, and I have so many doubts about it. I just don't know whether my doubts are based on anything tangible, or based on fear of uncertainty. I've been with her for 22 years, so what's to be uncertain of?

I've waited a long time for this woman to say 'yes,' and now that she has, I feel cheated. I feel as though I've wasted most of the time I've waited (sometimes not so patiently) for her to decide whether she trusted me enough, or whether or not I loved her enough. Seriously. We've been 'exclusive,' and celibate for the greater part of 22 years, and she's been worried that I didn't love her enough? Or whether she could trust me? What man would stay with a woman, live with her for 16 plus years, rarely seeing any of his own physical needs met, for as long as I have... unless he's just the most pathetic man on the face of the planet?

We were supposed to be married on August 20th, but it was pushed to October 16th because of finances, which has been pushed back further into the distance of weeks and months, again because of this craptastic economy. Five years ago we both made less than we do now, but we had money to burn. Now we make more... and have less. We're about to lose the house to foreclosure. We are both under a lot of stress.

I know I love her, but am I marrying her because I love her, or because I think, at 51, she's my only option, even knowing she wants no children... not even one? In a lot of ways I feel as though I've wasted my life waiting on her. I should not say it, but I will... I've been measuring her by your standard. And that's not fair to her, let alone you. Much of what I remember of you is not accurate. I've romanticized much of what I remember of you; created an impossible ideal. I want the heavens...

But who can really live there? Flesh needs firm ground beneath it if it is to thrive.

I'm having trouble accepting her for who she is. I want her to be different... more girly. But that's not who she is. I want her to be more intuitive to my needs, but that's not who she is. I want her to be more adventurous... I want a woman who doesn't make me feel lonely when I'm in the same room with her. She's not like that all the time, just often enough that I recognize the truth of it. I want what she has no desire to be.

I want to be married more than anything in the world... to belong to someone who loves me back. I know she loves me, but I've been the one pursuing her for the last two decades. And therein lies my doubts....

If I've learned one thing about myself these last 35 years, it's this.... every girl who ever chased me (including you), I ran away from (like a fool), but every girl I ever chased, was emotionally unavailable. I guess what my fear boils down to is this: Has she agreed to marry me because she loves me? or because I merely wore her down?

It's the first really cold morning here this Fall. The sun is shining at least, but I can blame the whether for how I'm feeling today. I keep hoping that if we can get through this next election cycle with a new president that maybe things will begin to turn around financially. Perhaps then something will actually 'Change' for the better. Maybe we'll actually be married. Maybe we'll have separated. Maybe I'll be content either way.

Sorry to have burdened you with all this, I just didn't have anyone else to unload on, and you have been a relatively safe person for me to unload on... that is, until you actually discovered I was writing about you... and to you.

It is my sincerest hope that all is well with you and your family.

That God may richly bless you, is my prayer.

All my love,

E