Dear Mary Angel,

I told Cristal about my lunch buddy last night. She wasn't angry-- probably because of how I presented LeNee, but she was jealous, as I knew she would be. You see, Cristal does love me, but she'll never marry me. She won't marry anyone-- she is the daughter her father raised. And while I can choose to lament the fact that twenty years have been wasted hoping for Cristal to see I am not her father, I am choosing instead to approach women who will accept me at face value... who will have lunch with me and share conversation without the baggage of 'dating.' Because I am NOT dating LeNee`. I made that clear at the outset when I asked her to lunch a couple of weeks ago.

I was nervous when I asked... BIG time, and I babbled a bit. I knew in my heart that I am very, VERY attracted to her, but I insisted I was not asking to date her... just lunch... for now, though I didn't actually say that. I'll know in time if she's even interested in dating. But for now, I don't have any friends to speak of, and I'm very interested in learning how to be a friend, and LeNee is just right for me in that respect. She's even interested in being my movie buddy. How cool is that? Too cool.

More to follow, I'm sure, but for now please take care. I hope all is well with you and yours.

Till next time, all my love,

Eric

Dearest Mary Angel,

It is hard not to think about her. It is hard to imagine I will soon be free to pursue anyone I wish. But knowing this make bitterness spread throughout my heart. I wish I had not run from you. I wish I had listened to you. I would not now be where I am. Perhaps I would be happier.

But I am where I am, and I have to make the best of what I have in the here and now. Whatever I do tomorrow it will be built upon what I've done and built for myself today. This has been a very hard lesson to learn, but I am better for it.

If I had time, I'd tell you more of what's happening here but... just know that I'm thinking about you.

Love

Eric

Dearest Mary Angel,

I've met someone new here in my self-imposed exile*. Someone with whom I never expected to have so much in common.

I met her in the course of my work; initially at the luncheon given in honor of a departing coworker. This new someone sat beside me and engaged me in conversation. And you know me, had she not I would've avoided any conversation at all. But she drew me out, asked me questions, and shared a dessert with me. She made me feel really good sitting beside her.

Since that day we have been together on a couple of shoots and I've had opportunity to talk with her more, and she has remained throughout just as delightful as that first lunch. I say first, because last week I approached her and confided that I was intrigued by her and that I would genuinely love to get to know her. Strictly as friends, I was quick to add, since I am not in a position to romantically chase anyone. On top of which, my confidence level is through the floor... but then it must not be too low since I had enough confidence to ask.

Lenee and I had lunch just the other day** at a buffet line. I'm slowly immersing myself into a new way of eating, so I ate light-- almost nothing compared to before, but just right considering what I'm working to achieve. For me, it was awkward conversation at first. I had been worried in the days between my invitation and that moment about sexual harassment. People have been fired at work for inquiring 'favors' or women, among other things-- just about anything can be construed as sexual harassment these days. I was worried more about what I said than any intent behind what I said, because I was not asking to date her. I thought perhaps I had come across to her as somewhat 'stalker-ish' since another thing I told her when asking to get to know her was, and I paraphrase, 'I can't get you out of my head.' So first thing I did was assure her that I was not trying to do anything other than acquire a new friend. And this, for now, is the absolute truth.

She assured me I had worried for nothing, and was happy to strike up a friendship, since she too was somewhat of a loner. After that my nervousness eased and I began to relax and enjoy once more the same kind of great conversation I had enjoyed since I first sat down beside her some three weeks before.

I discovered she's much like me. I explained my situation with Cristal, she explained a little about her ex. I spoke about how my past has informed the man I am today, and why I am the way I am in some respects. We spoke of hobbies, books, movies; you know, safe stuff. We like the same kind of movies, dislike the same kind of movies, and she even asked if I'd like to be her new movie-buddy since she had just lost her last one. Why would I not agree?

Before too long, and before I realized, it was time to leave-- her to clients and appointments, and I back to the virtual world of computer graphics. I genuinely enjoyed myself.

Later that afternoon she appeared in creative services where I and my two compatriots were talking. She walked in... and leaned against me. I didn't even feel awkward. It felt natural, and it was welcomed contact. After she got what she needed and left my partners were amazed that she just leaned up against me. 'You had lunch with her, didn't you!' one said. They, like you dearest Mary Angel, know how reserved I am. They were surprised that I had taken the monumental step of asking someone out.. something I haven't done in more than twenty years.

I look forward to further shoots, and further lunches with Lenee. I feel very comfortable around her, and I do want very much to get to know her. As I said, romance is not in the offing, and may never be... and I'm fine with that, because what I really want is a friend.

Does this mean I've matured?


Till next time, thank-you for listening.

With all my love,

Eric

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* I know I've used this line before, but in truth this 'exile' has become home, whether I intended it or not.

** Because I wish to remember the day, it was October 1st.

Dearest Mary Angel

I have discovered that I am enamored of a deliciously sweet coworker. I think about her almost constantly, but I wouldn't go so far as to call my daily string of "flights of fancy" an obsession. I am intrigued by her, not lustful (though I can see the seeds of such awaiting desire's precipitation). And I think she knows.

I think she realizes I have trouble averting my eyes when she is in the room. She knows I've noticed the way she sways when walking... I playfully scolded her for complaining about her "chubby" hips, which are, in reality, non-existent; I told her she had the kind of swish in her walk that made any notice of the size of her hips irrelevant. And truthfully, I can't see anything wrong with her hips. Nothing. And the way she walks is enough to bring eyesight to the blind.

Sorry to burden you with this, but I thought you might understand. And i know you do. Thank you.

All my love,

E

In The Surf... The Edge of the Ocean

For what it's worth I am not who I was when I wrote the following letter. Technically speaking, I am not who I was 24 hours ago, but that's not a point I wish to argue right now. Suffice it to say, I am still learning to be who I am... still running to shed who I was.

I came home from work this evening later than usual. I carried the dog out, fired up the iPod, and there it was... the edge of the ocean...

There's a place I dream about
Where the sun never goes out
And the sky is deep and blue
Won't you take me there with you?

Ooo, we can begin again
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again

--Ivy

For some reason I cannot now fathom, I thought this bit of verse important to share with Mary Angel. I remember I began to, but was distracted by Paula, an old friend of my sister. She had been emailing me, and I was all too willing to chat at the time because "things" here were... empty [and that's as far as I'll go here, right now]. I was willing to chat with just about anyone, but in fairness to Paula I was very pleased with the time she gave me, and the chance to talk to someone from whom I had nothing really to hide.

It was the verse, 'shed our skin, let the sunshine in' that had taken seed in my mind. It seems that's all I've ever wanted since high school, since Gulf Coast Community College and one of the worst mistakes I've ever made. A chance to shed who I was.

But then I wouldn't have met her-- Mary Angel.

As usual, when something goes to seed in my mind, I began writing. I was torn between where I was and where I wanted to be... Who I was... who I wanted to be. I felt that with Mary on more than one occasion, struggling with where I wanted to be; which was with her, and where I continually found myself, with people who cared nothing for who I was.

Unlike her. Mary Angel cared. And there I was decades later chatting up Paula and feeling the same way... stuck between where I was and where I wanted to be. Which is where "In the Surf" came from.

May 5, 2002

Dearest Mary Angel,

I wrote a bit of verse today. Something I thought you might appreciate. Something that speaks volumes to the indecisions I have clearly committed fornication with over the last decade and a half, if not outright adultery-- I have been unfaithful to my own dreams...

"In The Surf"

I came to the shore
And stood in the surf
Felt the ebb and flow of life
The push and pull of sand
      Beneath my feet
And the sand on which I stood slipped away
The rug pulled out from under me
And sinking deeper with each rush and retreat

I stood unmoving at the edge of the sea

And I wondered about you
      about us
And realized
To stand at the edge of the sea
Is to be caught in its ceaseless turmoil
To sink slowly into obscurity
Neither here nor there
Neither in your arms, nor out
Get in or get out, is what it whispers to me
But do not stand in the surf,
For nothing lives here where
Shells are tumbled and ground to sand...

Get in or get out
For no Love can abide long
Where hearts are tumbled and ground to sand


ELAshley
050402.110310.6

A dilemma, for me, if ever there was one. Where does life and love begin? On the beach? in the Ocean? I only ask because nothing begins in the surf but oblivion. And I'm tired of living in oblivion.

Sleep well my love,

      Eric

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Music for me, dredges up memories like the surf dredges sands from about and beneath your feet. With each sweep of tide, in or out to sea, I sink deeper. My perspective sinks deeper. I become myopic-- unable to see the horizon. So it becomes, for me, an exercise in focus. Focus on what I can affect, and cast aside like so much driftwood those things I cannot.

Question is, can I cast you aside?

Where I am this moment, there is no answer for me.

Dear Mary Angel,

I never would have thought some twenty-five years ago that I would be where I am now. But this is not a unique observation to make; many I'm sure can and do say the same. Here I am in my office. MY office... a long way from that first letter I wrote you more than eleven years ago. My office. I'm sitting here, done with what was on my plate, and spending the last remaining moments tweaking this blog.

Twenty-five years ago I worked a few short weeks at Wendy's, the job you got for me. There I was doing every crap job some assistant manager gleefully threw my way-- the one who himself had a crush on you --and doing it because I wanted to be someone you wanted to be with. Not because I enjoyed the job. Washing dishes and breading chicken breasts? I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life accept make you smile... and get drunk... and get high. I was a mess but you saw something in me worth rescuing. Or did you? --I looked in the mirror then and saw a face that was not unattractive. I still see such a face, though somewhat careworn; the years have been kind to me in some respect, but I wonder what it was you saw.

I was miserable just a short eleven years ago. I hated where I was and who I had become. I'm still not entirely happy about who I am but I've come to terms with a number of things, not the least of which is where I now find myself.

It took ten years to get from master control operator to creative services. The pay is not fantastic, but it's not far from where I was when the lights went out at the restaurant. I have a lot of things, but what I want the most still eludes me. When I could really have found a lasting love, I ran from it. Now I find myself wanting such a love, but it might as well be the end of the rainbow for its elusiveness. What I wouldn't give for another Mary Angel to enter my life! I would not run away. I swear.

Now I build online advertising and web pages for a local television station. Soon I'll be out taping and editing commercials. From there, there are any number of opportunities the kind of skills I'll have will open for me. And while that should be enough to make anyone happy... none of this changes where I currently find myself.

Still single.

I want someone like you. I don't think that's too much to ask. Someone vibrant and filled with light. Someone I can share my heart with.... someone with whom I can share my poetry; that's the big test for me.


Well, enough for now.

Take care, and my you have a blessed and happy new year.


With all my love,

Eric

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Dear Mary Angel,

I have written hundreds of letters to you. For some five years I wrote, then stopped. I know why I stopped then, but I can't honestly say why I am starting once more.

This first letter was, at the beginning, nothing more than an experiment, to see how long I could sustain an effort; I wanted a diary, but I didn't want to address my letters to a flat and unfeeling book. The only one I could think to address my letters was you-- you were first in my mind then, not so much now though still a cherished memory.

Dear Mary Angel,

I wonder if you think of me. I think of you almost every day and remember you with great fondness. Of course we both know why, and because of it I remember you still. I wish I had taken the time to get to know you better, because I would love to talk with you now. You were such a good listener...but you're probably not the same girl I knew. In fact, I know you're not. I'm not even the same person I was, and what you found attractive in me then you probably wouldn't think so attractive now. People change. I have, and will again. I wish I had not lost touch with you.

I wonder if you think fondly of me. I was very weak then, unsure of myself and looking to others for my identity [Funny thing is, they didn't even know who THEY were!], and in a lot of ways I'm still unsure of who I am except to say that I am Eric Lee Ashley and, as Bob Seger so aptly sang, "...still running against the wind."

Let me tell you about myself. I'm thirty-six and eleven months old. I've never married. In fact I've never come close-- I'm still running. Remember how you chased me? And I just ran and ran. A part of me still smiles to think of it, another part curses sulphurously. I was so shy of girls [Still am, though now they are women], and you chased me so very hard. I sometimes wonder if that was my one chance to find happiness. But that's silly! It's my own fault that I'm not happy.

I hate my job. I'm a manager at a restaurant that has long since seen it's day in the sun. The company itself is in decline and there's no room for advancement. The atmosphere of the place is beginning to smell the way St. Andrews bay sometimes did, seaweed drying in the sun and fiddler crabs scurrying about their one giant pincers brandished high in warning... "we may be poor, but watch out!" And I am miserable.

I've given my resume to a local company that I hope to be hired on with. The corporate office is located very close to where I live. Minerals and herbs are the company's business and I've acquired an interest in such things over the last few years. I just love the way I feel when I "take my vitamins" on a regular basis; almost as though I can do anything.

I know the owner of the company through a mutual friend and the owner suggested I submit a resume because he could "...make me rich." The offer was very tempting especially in light of the fact that I'm very unhappy with the direction my current career is taking me. It was two days ago that I took him my resume, but I've heard nothing yet. I'm almost willing to take a pay cut initially if it will lead to advancement and pay increases in the future, but when someone says, "I'll make you rich...," what is one to think? "Rich" is a hell of a lot more than what I am right now.

Well, It's late. 10:45, and way past my bedtime, seeing as how I have a twelve hour kitchen shift tomorrow beginning at 8am.

Think on me and I'll think on you...

All my love,

Eric

A simple enough beginning, and much more to come.

Till next time, and with love,


Eric

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